Complicated love

This is war.

Every morning I have to be mentally and emotionally prepared before I see you. Who knows when you're gonna decide to drop a bomb on me? Who knows when is the next time you get annoyed with me and stop talking to me? 

Honestly, I've never met someone (or more specifically any guy) who would let a girl cry and not do anything about it. In fact, he could fall into deep sleep while the girl cries because I assume that is how little he cares about fixing the situation. He could have at least have the courtesy to console the girl who's crying her lungs out right?

Now you're digging up my past and being all pissed off about it. Well, for your information, everybody's got a story. But it's not their story that defines who they are. People make mistakes, grow and learn from them. I'm sure you've made your share of mistakes in your past as well.

I want to wake up each day feeling like I belong. Someone who actually wants to see me, wants to spend time with me, wants to do life with me. Not someone who pushes me away, calls me annoying and denies every form of affection possible. I feel like I'm worthless, like I'm at his disposal at any point of time. Who would want to feel this way?

Maybe this is his cool act. Trying to be cool about everything and shove any form of vulnerable away. I don't mind seeing him be vulnerable. In fact, I'm more than glad to be able to be the one he turns to. I want him tell me all his thoughts and feelings. I want to understand him, but he's just too cool for this I guess. No matter how hard I try to get him to open up to me, it'll always somehow be perceived as a nuisance to him. Next thing that will happen is that he will shut me off completely, ignore any form of communication and just sleep. 

I still don't understand how he finds joy in seeing me sad or broken up or dejected. Everytime he sees the look on my face after he directs a sinister remark at me, he'll just break into a laugh. 

I have so many things to say but I guess I'll just stop here. Cause if I were to continue, this post will never have an ending.